The Confused Baby Blues
I would like a new baby. I think about having a baby every single day. This isn’t just the wedding being over. This started way before the wedding even happened. Have you ever felt like you were literally CREATED to do something? That’s how I feel about having a baby. I wake up and I long to be pregnant. To feel a little life inside of me would be the ultimate cherry on top of my happy life. I love my children fiercely, but even when I was pregnant with the twins, 4th Roomie and I talked about how my favorite age was between 0-2 yrs. As the twins get older, and become kids, they are clearly more their father’s children. You can see his excitement as he teaches them new things, or explains nerd stuff like space or the ocean to them. Yes, by the way, knowing more than your typical “one is up, one is down” about outer space and the ocean is nerdy. While they grow closer to their dad, I sit and observe, and of course I delight in their growth, but I feel sad. I want another tiny bundle to hug and snuggle and caress and give butterfly kisses to. Right now.
We can’t afford a new baby. We literally have enough money to pay our bills, save a bit, do a little bit of leisure activity/shopping, and not die of starvation. It’s not a bad life, especially considering the economy, but it leaves no room for a baby. And before I even ADD a baby, I really need to focus on adding a house. We have to buy a home in the next 2 years. There is really no other option. That puts me at 30, and puts a baby even more deeply rooted in my imagination. Pregnancy after 30, no matter how much it is “the new normal” is not something I want for myself. I wish there was some way to get pregnant now and have a baby, and cryogenically freeze it for like 3 years. That way, I have all my short/long term goals out of the way for my 20’s, and then a newborn when it’s all done minus the toll it takes on my body. I planned on spending my 30’s focusing on the twins going to school, having obnoxiously amazing sex with my husband, and me looking better than a lot of other bitches in their 30’s that I know. And then following it up with an even more amazing looking 40’s full of travel and children in college. A baby any time after 30 totally trashes those plans. I need a baby now, so that its self sufficient while the twins are STILL home and can always sit for it, and then the baby itself will be self sufficient enough to take basic care of itself when the twins leave for college. Does that make sense? Anyhow, you can see how the logic and the emotion in my brain are at serious odds.
This weekend, the twins, 4th roomie and I went to visit my Aunt’s house in Pennsylvania because her oldest daughter, my cousin, just had a baby. My cousin is a planner. She planned her pregnancy to the T. She saved one paycheck a month for almost a year so that she had saved enough money to be able to stay home for another whole year with her new baby. She has a good network of friends who have just had babies as well. Even though I know she chose a very responsible way to create and care for her new bundle, all I see is the adorable end result. I saw her new baby’s tiny feet, and hands. His soft tufts of wispy baby curly hair. I smelled his whole baby existence. I felt his little jerks and kicks and wiggles and heard his tiny gurgles and coos. And I was jealous. So jealous.
My aunt was telling me a story about how in her late 30’s she finally stopped feeling that “longing for a new baby” thing. She explained that one day she just saw a baby and thought “Oh, that’s so nice” instead of “OMFG I WANT ONE NOW!”. I wish I could have that content feeling right now. I wish I could not feel like my uterus is screaming at me daily. A non-stop “Use me! Use me! Use me!” chant that I cannot silence. I wish that taking my birth control pill every morning wasn’t like jail for me. I also wish I could just cast aside this yearning though. I wish I could be happy with the two babies I was blessed with, remember them, and not want any more. I wish I wasn’t in the middle of this emotion and logic tug of war and that I could enjoy my life as is, and not obsess over whether or not to add to my family. Has anyone else ever experienced this rock & hard place? If not, just come have a seat in my comments section and rub my hair as I cry.Tags: baby, baby fever, bundle, children, new baby, newborn, pregnancy, pregnant