Take Your Ball and Go Home
Today, I got something I asked for which prompted me to write this post. I have been struggling lately with my ego. Arrogance and ego are terrible things, especially for a person who suffers from anxiety like me. My ego often and easily triggers my anxiety. So, in turn, as a means to change a pattern of behavior, I have started to pray for humility. I am convinced that if I could be more humble, I would also be less anxious. I think God knows the only way to teach me lessons is hard and fast, though. So, whenever I get humbled, it also hurts. Usually pretty badly. Today was no exception. But this post isn’t about the hurt, or the humility. This post is about my destructive behavior in the aftermath.
I don’t like to be hurt. No one does, but while lots of people have healthy ways to cope with pain…crying, venting, etc…I plot revenge. I don’t argue to win an argument. I typically argue to make the person I am arguing with feel as much shame, hurt or pain as I feel. 4th Roomie has referred to me as the kid who takes his ball and goes home after a tough loss…but that is an insult to me. I do not take my ball and go home. I take my ball, go to the nearest payphone, call the police, tell them my opponents sexually assaulted me, and watch with delight as they get arrested. I don’t take my ball and go home, I take my ball, go to the nearest hardware store, get supplies, build a pipe bomb and completely level the court. I will be damned if you ever play basketball there again.
Recently, I have had a good example and a bad example of this post hurt rage I display. My best friend hurt my feelings publicly about 3 weeks ago. It honestly was silly, and I likely shouldn’t have been offended by what she did. But I was. And instead of telling her immediately, I went through my mental Rolodex of things I could shoot back with, that would publicly hurt and shame her like I felt hurt and shamed. While doing this in my mind, I started to cry. (Probably because this is TOTALLY DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOR) 4th Roommie was there and I explained to him what happened and he gave me the “bitch, you gotta relax” face and some good advice. And fortunately, I took his advice. And I took it a step further, and instead of shooting back, I just told her my feelings were hurt. And I even told her it was probably silly that they were hurt, but it made me feel better to express myself than to wage a war and lose her as an important person in my life. So simple, right? Well…sort of.
My next example is of the same kind of a situation with my sister…less public hurt…but way deeper cuts. When the cuts are deeper, it’s definitely harder for me to refrain from totally flying into revenge mode. So even though she didn’t hurt my publicly, she offended me more deeply. And so we argued. Actually, we didn’t even argue. We threw bombs. We pretty much destroyed each other verbally. If we weren’t related, I’d likely say we’d never speak again. But, I know people don’t generally have that luxury with family
which is why families are usually so fucked up so I mean, we’ve kind of spoken since. But, instead of taking a moment to explain to her why she hurt me, and maybe what we could do to remedy that in the future, I just hurt her back. Or tried my very hardest to hurt her back. And actually, what’s kind of scary is that I don’t even think I tried my hardest. I could have done worse. I shared some of the things we said to each other with 4th Roommie, and he was floored. He doesn’t understand how I can talk to people the way I do sometimes, but to see the same type of things being thrown back at me, I think surprised him as well. Instead of seeing me as a bully, he just saw a willing participant in an all out war.
The point is I don’t seek to rectify situations. I seek to make the person in the situation with me feel as awful as I do. I don’t care if my warfare also embarrasses me or destroys me in the process. I have engaged in so many vengeful scenarios that have also brought up some of my ills. I don’t play this game to spare myself. I figure if my feelings have already been hurt, the shoe already hit the ground running and there isn’t any stopping now. And that’s not ok. I often destroy relationships and lose people in my life because of this, and as a younger Cara, I didn’t care. As I grow, I find this habit of mine tends to upset relationships that I might actually not want ruined. I think in addition to my prayers for humility, I need to pray for the absence of vengeance.
Today though, when my feelings were hurt, instead of seek out revenge, I came home and wrote this post. Maybe I am getting better, or at the very least, picking my battles. I think today, I actually did just take my ball and go home. Do you engage in any destructive behaviors? Are you vengeful? Have you overcome any bad behaviors? How?Tags: argue, family, friends, revenge, Take Your Ball And Go Home, vengeful