So…the Twins Asked About Conception
So…I just got home from picking the twins up from school. I am in sheer, anxious terror right now, so try to bear with me and the tone of this post. Today was like any other day I would get them from school, except I got another mom’s number for a play date…oh, and on the way home my children attempted to kill their own innocence. I loaded the twins into the car in front of their school, waited for them to strap themselves into their boosters and waited to hear about their days. Eric got a time out for crying. Ella played with the little girl whose mom’s information I got. Then EJ asked me if I was having another baby, because I looked like I wanted another baby, because I was fat. The fat thing didn’t bother me too much. I am having a really skinny day, and in addition to that, a lot of the moms at the school we attend are really overweight. I assume, honestly, that another child at school told Eric that he said that to his own mother, and Eric found it funny and repeated it. I calmly told him that while one day, I would like to have another little brother or sister for him and Ella; right now I was not having another baby. I also told him that it was not nice to call people fat. Next, he proceeded to ask me was there a baby store that we could go to when I was ready to get a baby. No…I said calmly. Babies don’t come from stores; they come from Mommy’s tummies. He didn’t particularly care for that, so he told me that was a bad idea, and that there should be baby stores. I chuckled and thought that would be the end of it.
But…if that was the end of it, I wouldn’t feel icky inside like I need 7 Xanax’s and a strong drink, now would I? Nope. I wouldn’t After I had convinced him that babies did not come from stores, the twins both hit me with a barrage of questions about where babies were from. Where do babies come from when they need to get out of Mommy’s tummies? How do you put a baby in a Mommy’s tummy? Did you know what kind of a baby you would have? Somehow we even got on the subject of me as a child. The twins were saying something about how if I used to be a little girl, where were they? How come we weren’t triplets? When I was a little girl, did I know I would have two babies?
I was trapped, like a rat in a Nissan. My palms got sweaty. So many questions. I tried to answer them honestly and as best as I possibly could to two inquisitive four year olds. I tried to frame some of the information around my best friend, whose pregnancy the twins were there for. They saw her go from not pregnant, to pregnant, to not pregnant again but added a baby. I tried to use those examples, and explain things as best I could, but they kept pounding me with questions. I was like Coolio and Michelle Pfeiffer in the Gangsta’s Paradise video. Alone. At a table. With a bright light shining in my face, and two bad cop 4 year old’s ripping into me with pressing questions about not just conception, but time and space and how I could possibly have existed outside of them.
So………I did what any reasonable human being would do in that situation. I lied. I lied like a fucking rug. I told the twins that before babies are in a Mommy’s tummy, they are stars in the sky. And that when a Mommy and a Daddy decide they want a baby, the star falls out of the sky, into the mommy’s tummy and becomes a beautiful baby. And sometimes very lucky mommy’s like me get more than one fallen star in their tummy’s. And then, satisfied with my lie, I was like POW! Yea, kids, what now? EXCEPT FOR THESE LITTLE
MOTHERFUC– PEOPLE WEREN’T SATISFIED AT ALL. Mommy, were we white stars or golden stars like the stickers we get at school? Mommy, stars don’t fall out of the sky, is this story true? What do you name the stars in your tummy? How did you know our names when you were a little girl, before our stars were in your tummy? How come we have never seen stars fall out of the sky into anyone’s tummy?
HELP ME TOM CRUISE! So I called 4th Roommie…because men know what to do in these situations, right? Wrong. He tells me I shouldn’t have lied and that when he gets home he will really explain where babies come from to our kids, but he is on another call currently, and he needs some time. Wait…what? You’re going to explain where babies come from and how they are made to our four year old’s? I asked him did he plan on introducing S-E-X (because we were on the car speaker) to them? I didn’t think that was a good plan, but he was all…actually yes, I am going to introduce that to them. No. I got even more sweaty. Then I got home, made the kids lunch and started typing this. I am not ok with my kids learning about sex at 4. In no way does that make me feel ok. I literally feel sick to my stomach. I might puke. Usually this is where I open up the floor to ask other people what they would do…but I have some seriously liberal friends and readers. I don’t give a shit what you hippies would do. I don’t want my kids knowing how to make babies yet. I don’t care to be honest. I want to spin a delightful web of lies that makes them feel like wizards and princesses in their heads and makes them start jumping up and down and sharing candy and stuff. I don’t care to hear how you openly and calmly explained the birds and the bees to little Timmy a year before he even asked, because you’re so real.
So, just comment with things like e-hugs and motivational phrases like “you go girl!”
Thanks in advance.Tags: children, Conception, kids asking about sex, sex, Twins, twins asking about sex, what do you tell kids about sex, Where do babies come from