Ode to Tameka Raymond: Regular Black Girls Rock
Ugly? Really folks?
On our commute to Catlett, Virginia this weekend, 4th Roomy and I were flipping radio stations and we heard something interesting. Ebony Steele, of the Rickey Smiley Morning Show, had a sound bite played to advertise the show. During the bit, she showed her disgust regarding backlash over Tameka Raymond during she and Usher’s ugly custody hearing. Unlike a lot of other media outlets, really focusing on the ins and outs of their messy public custody hearing and divorce, she voiced concern over the backlash that Tameka ALWAYS receives over her appearance.
She discussed how Tameka was a “regular black girl”, just like she was, and to hear and see all the outrage over Usher ever dating, marrying and having children with her based on her appearance really hurt her. She talked about how she is self aware, and even though she doesn’t think she is the prettiest woman in the world, she thinks she is attractive and BLACK. She said as black people, especially women, we have to overcome so much as is, but it was hurtful to know that other “regular black girls” were down on Tameka Raymond, who looked just like them. We have come to expect light skinned, Latina, biracial, wavy headed women with our well off, famous men, and she expressed intense sadness over that fact. I have to say, this rang true to me. Age scrutiny played a part in Tameka Raymond disdain, but I often hear and see her referred to as ugly. She could be my aunt though. Or sister, cousin, or even my (had me very young) mother. She looks like a black woman to me. And, I think she’s pretty. High cheekbones, dimples, a cute nose? Really nice brown skin? Don’t really see anything wrong with her. Usher didn’t receive ANY public backlash for dating baby hair plastered to her forehead Chili, of TLC fame, age or otherwise. And SHE resembles a rodent to me. Yep. She does. But she got a pass for that “Indian in her family”. Meh.
Anyway, it got me to thinking really. I have been putting together a post recently about interracial marriage and how I think it does and does not affect me, as a black woman, and this really ended up hitting closer to home, because it’s a subject that I not only relate to, but feel intense hurt about. As a people, we glorify a European standard of beauty. Even now, as we are in the thick of a natural hair movement, all I see are loosely curly headed, likely biracial women advertising our products. I don’t prefer MY hair natural (even though it is) but I CONSTANTLY get advice on how to ‘stretch’, loosen, and de-frizz my very tightly coiled hair. Do we really love our natural hair, or are we just looking for a way to have hair that looks ‘exotic’, not African? On twitter, almost daily, some man is glorifying an picture of some light skinned woman and downing ‘dark skinned chicks’. We buy Indian hair in bulk to make our hair look like something very few of us could grow on our own. And yes, we DO expect our black, affluent males to be with women who don’t necessarily look like all of us, because if he made it, he can prefer and pick whoever he wants, so why would he pick regular old us?
To me, that’s an issue. My Blackness was once a struggle for me. I grew up very close to my family, and my 3 closest female cousins growing up were all “exotic” looking. Two of them had one white and one black parent, and the other had a very fair skinned grandmother, and very long, naturally wavy hair. I was the regular black girl. I didn’t have NO hair, but my hair definitely wasn’t naturally growing past my shoulders like theirs. I was plain brown, nothing special or so I felt, and often cried to my own mother about how I wasn’t beautiful or special like them. My mother, of course, did the motherly thing and really consoled me, but my angst continued. Later, I had adequacy issues with my younger sister, who was blonde with blue gray eyes. Our mothers are completely different shades, mine obviously being the darker one, which made for caramel skin for me, but cream colored skin and vibrant, striking features for her. Then in high school, I was the darkest of my group of female friends. People referred to them as The Yellow Girls Club, or the Saffron Patch and joked that I just barely had made it in because you had to pass the paper bag test to hang out with them. And this was in the early 2000’s. I grew up watching other girls get chosen first by men, based on what I thought was a standard of beauty, I didn’t fit into. And it hurt me.
Regular Black Girls Rock
One day, many years later, I realized that most of the insecurities I was carrying showed. I wasn’t comfortable in my own skin, or with myself, and a lot of the reasons I felt I was inadequate probably contributed to confidence issues. I was very comfortable with my BODY, but not my face and hair and features. I knew I had a good personality, and a good body, so my comfort level was based on that. I shortchanged myself A LOT thinking that way. I shed the insecurities I had about my skin color, my hair texture, and the way I looked as a whole on a car ride to Babies’R’Us with my aunt. I was telling her how I was worried about dating now that I had children, and how I wasn’t the prettiest woman in the world and since now I had the twins; it might make it harder for me to find someone. My aunt literally stopped the car on me to tell me I was gorgeous. Regardless of what I thought of as ‘regular brown’ skin, or my short bob that never quite made it to my shoulders, people thought I was absolutely beautiful. Without a word from my mouth, I got compliments on my looks. We were living in a small town, and she said it was amazing how many people told her what a pretty young woman I was all the time. She even said it was only right for her to tell me because even though I had probably heard it from my mother, she didn’t have to say it, because she was only my aunt. Ha. That small, eye opening talk, coupled with a new inner and outer beauty that I found in myself after childbirth, and here I am at 28, really comfortable with myself.
Don’t get me wrong, I am still a woman. I still worry if pants make my butt look big, but I don’t think about being less than because I don’t have “good hair” or cream colored skin. It disturbs me that some of us haven’t found that peace, and beauty in ourselves as is…so we see a man we admire finding beauty in us and we criticize. I know this post was long, and I appreciate anyone who stuck with me through it until the end. I just hope that one day, I don’t have to address this issue or share these kinds of stories, because regular black girls like me will be considered universally beautiful, too.
Tags: Black, black is beautiful, custody, girl, regular, regular black girl, Tameka Raymond, Usher
you know I’ve never understood why folks call Tameka ugly. several years ago on a message board I admitted I thought she was decent looking. I know some say she has a kinda mannish face and it may be the square jawline but she’s not UGLY. not at all. and you’re right she looks just like any other black woman on the street. not super glammed up or exotic. and that’s okay.
I was more put off by her leaving her husband and TWO CHILDREN to lay up under a younger Usher and his mama telling him she wasn’t any good for him–than her looks. but hey that’s just me and my random opinion based on pop culture that doesn’t matter at all.
I’m sorry their divorce is so messy though but I’m not surprised at all by it.
I don’t really know much about her personal life, and not saying I am above it, because I definitely have immersed myself in pop culture gossip in other areas, I just haven’t been privy to that much info about her. What I WILL say though, is that if I ever DO read anything about her, its ALWAYS been about how she looks. Like ‘Why would he deal with her anyway, shes ugly”….and that was the big “record scratch, everyone on the dancefloor stops” kind of moment for me. I am glad you are at least informed and have an opinion based on actions as opposed to appearance!
I STILL remember the comment I got my freshman year of college :” you’re cute for a brown skinned girl.” WHAT THE HELL? I didn’t even know how to respond.
As for Tameka, I’ve always thought she was beautiful. Such pretty skin! I heard Ebony say that on Rickey Smiley the other morning and I’m sad to say I completely understood how she felt.
Ugh. Cute for a brown skinned girl/black girl is the absolute worst. Blah. glad you understood though. I was worried that in my struggle I was going to come off like I was downing someone else. I know no one can help how they look and how they are born, so I wasn’t trying to hate on anyone, but I totally had to stop and say that this is a very big issue for me and I know it is for others too.
“ . . . he can prefer and pick whoever he wants, so why would he pick regular old us?”
Really powerful, this. I can relate to this as it unfortunately isn’t unique to Black women to think that a successful, good-looking man wouldn’t be interested in regular old them. Having said that, I absolutely recognize that our standards of beauty and their impact on Black women is a whole ‘nother ball of wax that makes this problem an even harsher one. It’s like when I’ve talked to friends about my bi-racial daughter’s struggle to love her hair (this is not her but this is her hair, exactly), and they (White women) say, “Well, I hated my hair when I was younger, she’ll appreciate it when she gets older” or “I hated my curly hair when I was a kid but now I love it” and I’m like, no. There are similarities but what you experienced as a White, curly-headed kid is NOT the same as what my daughter experiences.
I am on the outside of this issue – close enough to not be ignorant of the things you’ve talked about, but still not part of it, not experiencing it for myself. I’ve been up & down this road with my daughter, and I should probably write a blog post (or a few) in my own spot rather than clogging up your comments. I’ll just say that I continue to struggle, as a White mom to a bi-racial daughter, to make sure she knows how beautiful she is. I reinforce it as often as I can and in many ways, but it’s always there.
I, for one, think you’re beautiful. I think Tameka is pretty, too.
I totally get where you are coming from. And your daughter has gorgeous hair! AND A TON OF IT. I am totally on your team because Ella has very tightly coiled 4A/4C hair like mine, but hers is longer, and much much more abundant. I struggle to style her hair, and make her love it, and I have it. She’s already struggling with the fact that her hair is long, but because it has so much shrinkage, she doesn’t feel like its as beautiful as loosely curled hair or straight hair. I wonder everyday will she have the same issues as I do, and really work hard to remind her of how beautiful she is, no matter how her hair looks. And I recognize the struggle as a parent, even if you didn’t go through it yourself. Especially considering as parents, we take on a lot of our children’s triumphs and tragedies.
Yes, to all of that! I’ve always complimented her on her hair and have pointed out beautiful Black and bi-racial women, especially those who wear their hair naturally. I was so happy that she had girlfriends all across the spectrum at school. I thought this would (among other things) help with her self-image – she’s surrounded by all types of girls. Except, get this – all the Black and bi-racial girls have permed hair and even the girls of other backgrounds who have brown skin, have long, straight hair. Additionally, though she has the hair of the chick in the pic I linked, she has whiter skin than me, freckles and green eyes, red hair. So she gets a lot of “where did your hair come from?” because many won’t believe she’s bi-racial.
She’s a very confident, happy girl who expresses the way she wants to look through fashion, cute hairstyles. But she prefers to wear her hair straight and obsesses about the length and how long it takes to grow. She looks at her little brother, whose curls are still big and floppy (if he’s like her and our middle child his hair is about to change in the next year or so) and wishes she had his hair. She wants long, flowing hair, whether it’s curly or straight. She wants hair that hangs down, doesn’t grow OUT. I feel like no matter how much I reinforce the beauty of all types of women, and take care to treat her/her hair as beautiful and not a “chore”, she is still soaking up the beauty standards of our society, and wants to be something she isn’t naturally. And I mean, I’m that way too. I wear makeup, I color my hair to get rid of my gray, I wear Spanx, I’d love a tummy tuck, I shave, pluck, wax, want to get my teeth whitened, etc, etc, etc. And even with all that, I’m basically ok with how I look and I enjoy my life. So I know she can grow up to live a fulfilling life even if she has some hangups about her looks. I just wish it wasn’t that way.
Sigh.
Oops, I meant to link this as a pic of my daughter’s hair.
I loved this piece… For the record…. Ushers present girlfriend is older than Tameka— but again, she gets a pass bcuz of her appearance. Go figure.
Thanks for the inspiration!
Re “exotic,” I think growing up (in the whitest of towns) my friends and neighbors used that as code for “sorry about your face.” Pretty wasn’t even in my vocab. Sometimes you just need someone else to break those beer goggles for you because that’s how you’ve grown up seeing the world.
That’s the funny thing, Jess. My mom used to try to tell me that a lot. Everyone’s experiences were linear. Women in general all suffer at the hands of another group, whether it be racially, socially, etc. I think unfortunately growing up in a mixed community, and having mostly a black circle, my insecurities were manifested in the manner in which they were, but I am happy that Auntie Mahm helped to finally snapped me out of it! Also, I can pay it forward and if you need me to tell you that you are gorgeous, I am available for car rides to Babies’r'Us.
/internet hug/
So this is the thing as a dark skinned skinny girl, I was called all types of African booty scratchers and the like growing up around the way. I went to an all white private school and was NEVER bothered. It is so sad that we are so critical and mean to one another. I know many say our insecurities stem from the past but at some point it has to stop.
Tameka, like you said could be any of us. As much as society would like to say we’ve grown we haven’t when it comes to the ideal of being black and beautiful. My mother was always telling me how pretty I was and I think that is why most of the talk never bothered me as a child. Then as an adult I had inadequate feelings about my body. Black girls are supposed to have booties…so I thought but I don’t have one and after 2 kids I still don’t have one and oddly enough just in the past 2 years I have come to grips with that fact and embraced my body for what it is.
Amazing how critical we are of ourselves. I think the most important thing is getting to the place where we are like eff it…this is me. Sad thing is some people never get to that point.
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