Not married to or looking to marry black? Shut up about Black Marriage.
This is a post in response to this piece here …I typically don’t enjoy promoting articles I think suck. I really don’t like to do it, because I feel like if something is so terrible, why even suggest anyone else read it, you know? But I can’t let this one sit. First, I want to say I respect the author in *some* ways. She is the champion of the “No Wedding, No Womb” movement, and while I think the movement has very serious, very judgmental, accusative branches, at the core, its heart was in the right place. I also am not IN LOVE with her book, and don’t necessarily enthusiastically ride the “hey black girls, black men ain’t shit so let’s learn how to mingle with the white man” train, but I ALSO read my cousin Ralph Richard Banks’ novel ‘Is Marriage for White People’ (a book for which my father was interviewed, whoop whoop!) and I get the statistic and environmental push for interracial marriage, in order to ALSO encourage black men and women to marry more often. So, even though I don’t necessarily LOVE her message, I can say I sort of can see where Christelyn D. Karazin is coming from. I just think she should have kept her hand out of this particular cookie jar.
When I first read this post on the BlogHer site, I immediately took to twitter to rant:
“I have a SERIOUSLY FN BAD ATTITUDE about that last RT. If you are in an interracial relationship, I am about to throw out a wide net, but I swear I don’t hate any of you…BUT I AM SO DAMN SICK AND TIRED OF BLACK PEOPLE WHO HAVE MARRIED WHITE PEOPLE COMMENTING NEGATIVELY ON THE DISMAL STATE OF BLACK AFFAIRS. Sick sick sick sickity fucking sick of it. It reeks of “look at me, whitey saved me, now what’s wrong with y’all?” to me, for one, but even though THAT may just be my opinion creeping in, what say do you have on the state of black marriage when your ass isn’t even IN ONE? Don’t sit here and admonish black women who get pregnant out of wedlock, black moms who encourage black sons not to marry the women they’ve impregnated, or the black community as a whole for not being fucking married when you didn’t even marry a damn black person yourself. You are OFFICIALLY a part of the gotdamn problem. You’re writing the dang article, as if you’re somehow unaware that you’re a contributing fucking factor. “My Captain-Save-A-Sperm ass white fiancé was sure to use condoms because he didn’t want me pregnant dishonestly. Look at this GOOD white boy and his GOOD white family that MADE HIM MARRY that poor black girl” I could spit fucking fire right now. What kills me about these married-to-perfect-whitey folks is that they don’t ask their spouses questions like: “Hey Todd, babe, why are white people responsible for the utter demise of the black family?” NO articles called “White People FUNDAMENTALLY FUCKING UP the Black Family Structure Via Systematic Enslavement & Its Grave Aftereffects.” Nope. Wouldn’t touch that with a stick, because their good white spouse married them all the way up. But it’s totally cool to talk about why Keisha & Tyrone are lesser NOW.”
I am going to try to convey a less angry, less cursy message here. Maybe I am missing her point among all of the white praise she does in the piece. Maybe, somewhere amongst all the muck about how the nice white Grandparents wouldn’t allow their grandchild to be brought into the world without married parents, or her valiant white fiancé turned husband wouldn’t stop using a condom, because he wanted her motherhood to be honest and good…maybe somewhere there’s a message. Or a cohesive thought, outside of criticism of black people and praise of their white counterparts. Maybe I missed that, because I am just so blinded by her blatant glorification of “the whites” despite the fact that the grandparents had to “get over” their son marrying a black woman. Considering that uncomfortable white parents were a part of her perfect cookie cutter experience too, perhaps she didn’t see that as an issue…
But, you know what? Mostly I am upset because I don’t think a person with a white husband has any room to discuss the dismal state of Black Marriage, because, hell, she’s contributing to it. She was very quick to point out the huge disparity between unwed births among the races, but not so quick to point toward numbers which show how many black men who DO actually marry…aren’t marrying black women. And how a growing number of black women, is in fact, doing the same thing. That would be too much to look into because of course; those things are ok as a part of the agenda she’s pushing.
I also find it HILARIOUS that people continue to ask these “what’s wrong with the black community” questions, but NEVER ask the tough, hard hitting questions like…”Why is it so hard for the white community to recognize the fundamental damage slavery, segregation, war, classism and drug use did to the black community, AND HOW CAN THEY HELP FIX IT?”. Of course that won’t ever get asked, because we need to just get over it. I mean, it’s been over a hundred years since slavery, it’s been decades since segregation, and it’s been at least most baby boomers youngest children’s life cycles since the Regan Administration, right? So why aren’t you all educated, off drugs, mentally sound, and nurturing perfect families by now? C’mon (black) guys, get it together!
I am not giving complacency a pass. I think the black community glorifies Evelyn Lozada who admits to eating her fiancés ass & inviting multiple women into the bedroom “to keep things fresh” instead of healthy communication, seeking a mate beyond superficial reasons, spiritual connection and dating for compatibility instead of the promise of sex. I think we have a lot of work to do as mothers, fathers and children to contribute to a better future for ourselves, and I do think the responsibility lies solely within our community, as no one else will clean up any messes that were made. I just think that if you aren’t necessarily pro-black family, and you’re out in the streets writing books about how its more beneficial to date outside of the race anyway, what could you possibly have to offer a discussion pertaining to Black Marriage? I mean…besides the obvious white praise and negativity that everyone else has ALREADY added…
Did you read the article? What do YOU think?Tags: Black Marriage, Interracial, Marriage, People, White