Kept Woman? : Why I LOVE Being Taken Care Of
Yes. I am using Diddy for photo examples.
I like being taken care of. Not in that…part time, my boo bought me a gift and groceries kind of way. I like to rely on someone else to make the big decisions and money to finance my life. Out of my entire 28 years on Earth, I have solely provided for myself probably 2 or 3 years. That was mostly to be able to say I did it, and even in those years I had instances where I had help from my parents. When I looked for a significant other, I noticed that having the ability to provide for me often trumped things like appearance and style of dress. While looks fade, comfort and a good retirement plan are forever. Fortunately, I think I lucked up, because 4th Roomy is pretty hot and provides for me, but I digress. I recently asked on twitter why more women won’t admit to wanting to be taken care of. Especially black women. Maybe I am singling out black women because I *am* black, but I sometimes feel embarrassed or ashamed to say that I would rather rely on someone else to care for me, than do the all the work that it would require to care for myself. Especially considering that now, I include two children. But at any rate, I sometimes feel like as a black woman, having that stance is even worse than it would be if I were white. I think a man should be the head of the household. I wouldn’t be comfortable working and making more money than anyone I was with. If I had it my way, I would not have a job again in my life, until my children were, at the very least, teenagers, if not adults.
Lately it seems like the modern woman values making money over taking care of a home. A woman is seen as successful, ambitious, and driven because of how many degrees she has, and how esteemed her job title is. While I agree that a woman who is able to attain those things is great, I don’t particularly care for how a woman who would prefer to care for her children full time, and rely on her spouse to care for her and their family is considered less than. If you say in a public forum that you’d like someone to take care of you while you manage a home and children, you hear the terms lazy and gold digger. You are accused of lacking ambition. I once argued with someone for hours about how a woman who chose to be a housewife could still be VERY ambitious, to no avail. Apparently ambition is reserved for a six figure salary. That aside, I feel ambitious. I aspire to raise healthy, well adjusted children. I want to develop an audience with my blog, even if money doesn’t come along with that. I certainly want to make sure I have a happy husband and family, and manage our day to day activities. I want to motivate my family, and even though I don’t get a salary, I feel like I am paid in gum love. I want to grow up with children who don’t feel like care needs to be outsourced. I want to nurture them now, because I want them to get old and feel the need to nurture ME.
I also think being a wife is the hardest job I’ve ever had. I’ve managed teams of over 20 people, organized store openings, had to work 12+ hour overnight shifts to do store sets, taken inventory of I don’t even know HOW MANY Nordstrom stores. Caring for and cleaning up after 4 people is the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. I am responsible for the social schedules of four people. I make meal plans, clean, facilitate normal daily exercise, reading and other things essential to regular life. And for the most part, I am pleasant about it. I unload groceries, move heavy items and sanitize and bandage every cut, scrape, bruise and bump. I have to fit myself into those activities and I often go without just so everyone else can be content. And I am managed by someone else financially. My wants and needs are controlled. Sometimes, even though I know I CHOSE it, it is bothersome that I may think some need is more important than another, but the final say lies in my husband’s hands. And, after all this, I am just starting out at this job. It’s only going to get harder as we all grow together.
I mean, this is kind of what I mean by not working.
I grew up under strong male figures. Even with a mother who is a force to be reckoned with, my step father was always the man of the house, and would make that very clear. My dad supported a family while also putting himself through school. Both men were the dominant figures in their homes. I came to respect that. I looked for qualities in men that were possessed by my own fathers. I wanted a man to not only feel responsible for his family, but OBLIGATED to them. As a product of divorced parents, I even saw that my father considered me and my mother family even though they weren’t together. If I needed him for anything, he was there. I am comfortable trusting my husband in the same way. I know he wants to provide for me and our children. I was fortunate to have seen him before we were married, and even when MY well being wasn’t his responsibility, he still cared.
I went to a white college. I saw dozens of my white, female counterparts go to college, graduate, sometimes go on to attain another degree then get married and stay at home to care for her children. She can blog, or go to the gym, or have parent groups and just exist, financed solely by the income of her husband and no one bats an eye. On the converse, I see SO MANY black women struggle to balance work and home. I often see black women BRAG about how they can manage home, a high powered job and children, despite being stretched thin and having difficulties. I am not saying that making this choice and doing this is WRONG. What I feel like is wrong is that a woman who chooses NOT to do that, doesn’t want to stretch herself thin between employment, home care and child rearing is seen as lesser. I am comfortable admitting that I am happy being taken care of. I understand that makes me appear less ambitious to some, I know to others it might make me seem inferior or lazy, but to me, I feel special and comfortable and loved.
Are you more career or home oriented? Do you think less of women who want to be cared for? Do you think that they lack ambition? What do the women you were raised by do?
Tags: Ambition, Black women, care, provided, Stay at Home Mom, Taken Care Of
I admit that I love being cared for, the “trophy wife”, and don’t look down on anyone whose focus is being at home in any regard.
It works for us, for many reasons. Plus, my ambitions have always been radically different from others, including the women in my family – who were raised to hustle, which I’m not geared for. My goals did change dramatically upon having children, but I don’t feel like it’s negative, I’m following the path best for me, us, and I’m cool with that.
That’s exactly where I am, actually. I totally shifted gears when I had children. It was interesting, and scary for me, because I had always been kind of a fly by the seat of my pants kind of girl. In the wind, committed to nothing, my job entailed tons of travel and at times I would be gone from the place I called home for months at a time. When I got into motherhood, everything about me had to change into grounded and stable. When I worked, and especially when i worked with the goal of being promoted in mind, I found my home life suffered dramatically.
I often tell the story about sitting in my gorgeous, newly redecorated office, behind my great desk, and staring out the window…wondering what the fuck the twins first words were. I couldn’t remember. Not for the life of me. I was missing out on all the important things at home, while chasing a dream I wasn’t committed to like I was committed to them.
Anyhow, thanks for reading and responding!
I was raised by a stay at home mom and I can see that being a SAHM is more difficult than MANY jobs us women will ever hold. I am NOT the domestic type, I’m rather career oriented but I ironically wouldnt be opposed to staying home w/the kids for a few years…I do NOT look at women who choose to stay home as lazy and lacking ambition, in fact I ADMIRE those women who can manage a household and love to do so. I was a stay at home wife for a few months and was MISERABLE…I wanted to be able to financially contribute to the household. Even when kids come along , should I choose to stay at home, I wouldn’t give up a career. I am currently pursuing a dual career that includes writing, so that I can have a more flexible career once they come along! Mad respect to the women who stay at home as well as the women who juggle a career and kids and a husband.
I definitely respect the women who can juggle all of the things, especially considering personally I couldn’t handle it. Writing is such a good avenue to explore with children, I am learning. With it, you can work without being away from the home. Good idea!
Thanks for reading and for your response.
Im equally oriented but I know better than to put all of my financial resources in one basket. Am I saying that I am positive my husband and I will end up divorced someday? Absolutely not but I will never allow myself to be in that situation. Divorced with a shoddy resume and low on funds? No thanks. I love my home stuff and I love career stuff. We take care of each other.
For clarification purposes, probably twice a year I interview with companies to keep my name out there. I have resumes online, and often apply for things to develop relationships and just to see what I can do. I also have some money stashed from my working days that I could get to with a little work if I needed it, but we also discussed on FB that I don’t plan for contingency when it comes to my marriage. I didn’t see this response until I got home from the playground or else I would have been responding here lol
Also I was raised by a single mother who would beat me if I left my entire future up to a man. Even if my husband is a wonderful person I like to mitigate risk.
also, thanks for the share, comment and reading
I. LOVE. THIS!
er minimize. kids yelling.
At the moment, I am more career oriented. This is partly because I have to be as I am the main breadwinner until my husband graduates and begins teaching and partly because I’m excited about the things I want to do professionally. I don’t care about my title but I do want to spend my time on work I enjoy and that challenges me, and I’d like to make decent money doing it. If I’m going to be away from my family for this many hours a week I need compensation.
Years ago when my kids were younger, I went through a 2-3 year “stage” (one year in particular when I was VERY unhappy at work) where I wanted to be home so badly. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the reality of our situation. I have more experience and education than my husband, a better work history because he is always the one to drop his crappy PT job when a crisis hits. So I have been steadily employed and he’s been employed here & there and in today’s job market it’s very hard for him to find work. Anything he’d make would go straight to a babysitter (part of MY paycheck would as well) so it makes more sense for him to be home, providing parental care, than for him to be working a crap job just to say he’s the head of the house in all ways. There was a time when he got the final call on financial decisions but that didn’t work well and honestly, I have an issue with busting my butt to make this money and then not having my opinion being an integral part of decision-making. It’s not much of an issue because we agree on how our money should be spent. We don’t have much left after paying bills, rent, food, etc so unless things are super tight or one of us wants something special, the very small amount of extra money can be spent on what we like without objection from the other person. If we had lots of extra, that might change but we’d likely agree on what we were going to put that money toward.
How we spend our money hasn’t been an issue for us for many years. Lack of money and the stress that creates is the issue and I hope one day to be done with it!
Having said all of that, I’m still invested in home life and am glad that I can be even though I work. I don’t think less of women who want to be cared for, nor do I think they lack ambition. I think creating good people is of HUGE importance to our society. I’d love to be taken care of. It wouldn’t make my career aspirations go away, mainly because it’s the actual work I care about, not the stuff that comes along with it. I’d be happy to do the same work for free, on a limited, volunteer basis, if I was a SAHM. Being cared for would actually give me more freedom to do the work I want because I could offer my time for free and orgs would be getting a great deal from someone invested in their work.
The women in my family worked, worked PT, stayed at home – all at different periods of their families’ lives, based on what was necessary to keep the family fed. It was all respected and there were no conversations that I remember about one or the other. If you could stay home, you did, if you needed to work, you did.
The part about lack of money and the stress it create is a concept I am familiar with. My husband and I aren’t dirt poor, but I certainly know MANY MANY SAHMs much better off financially than I am. As it stands, me staying home with the twins works because if I did work, for them to be in any kind of respectable care, we’d be spending most of my paycheck to keep them there. He would like me to go back to work once the kids are in school full time (which might happen THIS fall) and I would like to use that time to start working on a third baby. We’ll see who wins, lol. I know that he would feel better if I financially contributed when the kids were in school, because I think otherwise he thinks I would just be sitting around, but I think its also important that I am there AS SOON as they get home. I am not in love wiht the idea of aftercare, and having them in a building from 9-5 as if school is a job. In addition, entrusting other people with the care of my children has never been something to make me happy, quite honestly. And the only people the twins have ever been with other than me are my mother and my aunt…but even then, I still felt like I was missing out. I found that my passion is home, with my children.
Anyway, all that said, if we NEEDED me to bring in money, I know how to, and would, I just prefer not to. I feel much less stressed, much more happy, and much better in home than I do working a job that isn’t my passion. Thanks for reading and for your great feedback!
This is a great post. I’m on the fence about it though. I think there are benefits and downfalls to both scenarios. I like that I can depend on my husuband for everything and yet despise it at the same time. Sometimes I imagine myself as an old lady who can’t take care of herself after my husband passes. Anyway, I’m actually putting in a job app today but I’m not sure if I’ll accept the job if I get it. I like being home with the kids but I also enjoyed earning money and mostly, having other adults to talk to during the day. I think my being home benefits the kids but I know bringing in more money will provide them with more opportunities. Try as I might I don’t remember ever having fun with my mom. No painting, no reading, no playing with blocks, no going to the zoo or even to the park. I’m happy to have the time to do that with my kids. I’ve got to be honest though, with no family in the area and no friends that are SAHMs, it’s pretty lonely. Even though I was there to work, I did enjoy the social aspect of working sooo… we’ll just have to see.
I miss having extras. Any money I would bring into our home would be extra, as our bills and savings are all handled with my husband. The money I would contribute would be solely extra money for us to play with. I would be able to shop when I wanted and be able to do more “extra” things that right now aren’t necessarily a priority. I also totally understand the lonely part. I am lonely a lot. I feel like sometimes, as soon as my husband gets home I bombard him with a ton of things to talk about because the only people I have to talk to all day are 4. I sometimes miss being able to say I want to go to a happy hour here and there, but mostly if I want to hang out with friends, I schedule the time and my husband and I work it out absent of me working. I do get where you are coming from. Recently a job offer was brought to my attention that would allow the twins entrance into a very prestigious private school, if I worked there. I definitely applied because I feel like I value their education more than my staying at home, but I definitely only jumped at the opportunity because it benefited the twins. Anyway, thanks for your feedback, I definitely can relate. Good luck with the job!
I’m basically a stay at home mom by default right now (aka unemployed) and I love it. Only problem is worrying about money and that I’m not managing my own home, but living in my mothers. I always said I wanted to be a SAHM and I guess I got my wish, just without the man of my dreams to take care of me. I’m kind of stuck in the middle. Currently I’m a single mom…so I’m getting my masters in hopes of landing a high paying job to support myself and my princess in the comfortable lifestyle I want us to live. But I would sooooo love to be taken care of financially and stay home being my own manager and boss. I love keeping a home and having others depend on me and taking care of others. The man I’m dating has already told me I won’t have to worry about working “when we’re together” and I will happily allow him to bring in the paper while I take care of my home and family. And as my feelings grow stronger for him I hope that this really happens. But in the meantime and in between time I am still a single mom and I know the reality of marriages in the US and the high rate of divorce and I want to be sure that I CAN stand on my own 2 feet JUST IN CASE. But I do hope it happens the way I want it to for once. I don’t think women who want to stay home lack ambition or are lazy or are gold-diggers. I think we just value our family and want to be the best we can for them in our own way. (Not that working moms don’t value their families)
Tiff, you know I stayed home with the twins before 4th Roomy and I were married, so I get it. I was definitely a single, stay at home mother. I commend you for wanting to go to school too though, because you know nothing is guaranteed. Thanks for reading and good luck on that masters!
I agree with Veronica, and I personally would never put my financial future solely in the hands of someone else. I want to live knowing that if something happened to my husband, or if we were to get divorced, or if he were to leave me (which I don’t think he ever will but I cannot predict the future), that I could provide for myself and my child. I also think I’m too stubborn and in-control to relinquish financial power. I have handled my own finances since I was 17, and have handled our joint finances our entire 8 year relationship. That being said, I’d never judge another woman for her choices. I respect the hell out of stay-at-home moms. Being a SAHM is a harder job than any out-of-home position will ever dream about being. You do what works for YOU, what makes you happy. And if someone doesn’t like it, they can go screw themselves.
lol that last part made me laugh out loud. I was explaining to Veronica a bit on FB about my approach to my marriage. I don’t count on it being over unless one of us dies. I can’t. Had I not made this commitment, I really think I would leave my husband once a day. I am super quitty. Its too hot? Things aren’t comfortable? Something smells like mildew? Ok, I’m done. I work everyday at approaching my marriage as an absolute. I know that most people think its foolish, but I think the best advice we were given as a couple was to remove the option to leave. Its kept me from doing just that, thus far, and I think we both are committed to that. Dropping dead? That’s another story. Of course I’d work if something unforeseen was to occur. But as far as our line of sight is concerned, divorce or leaving just isn’t on the table. Thus, my stance on being totally and wholly comfortable with him working to support me. Also, I admire you for handling your finances for so long. I am also terrible with money. I am totally lost without my MBA husband lol. He often jokes/hypes himself up for being an accounting ninja…which is perfect, because I am the Forrest Gump of money. And I mean that in the short bus kind of way. Not the “in a series of quirky events I acquired a lot of it” way. Thanks for reading and thanks for responding, I appreciate it.
I’m kept and I love it. Wouldn’t have it any other way. I was on the other end. Working, stretched thin making great money, but I decided being home was more important. Like you I have a stash, if anything were to happen my children and I would be okay. My husband knows about it and we’re fine with it. Going on 3 years now I’ve been home. I am in the process of looking for some opportunities being an adjunct professor online so that I can work a few hours to have some money to myself and still be home and available to my family.
I don’t argue with people about my decision to stay home and I have an MBA. It’s not their issue to worry with. I like being home and occasionally I do sit on my ass and eat potato chips and watch Wendy Williams. I sure do..eff a conference call. My job got perks!!!
lol @ Wendy Williams. My guilty pleasure at home is Crime Dramas during nap time. SVU or Criminal Minds lol. I definitely don’t miss working. I sometimes feel bad that I don’t want a job, because well…you put in all this effort to create this great career for yourself, and you aren’t really doing anything with it, but as I said earlier, my passion is my home. That’s what I am working for now. I hit my 2 year mark in April, and I haven’t looked back. Well, occasionally I look back on all the handbags I had, but since I also traded in leather wallets and high end sunglasses and make up cases for water bottles, sun screen, neosporin spray and bandaids my canvas carry all works just fine.
My husband suggested I look into tutoring or proctoring exams for side money, but if anything, I would want to bless another family with an at home experience when my children go to school and bring in another kid. That also requires me to enjoy other people’s children though, so we will see how that goes. Thanks for the feedback and enjoy Wendy!
[Since Cara wants me to comment, I'll share what I posted on Twitter this afternoon and a little extra for good measure.] Being a SAHM would be lovely for me, since I would like to care for my future children and the household and write all day long . I definitely look up to SAHM because they work very hard, but I don’t believe that would work in a one-income household where the husband makes under $60,000 a year. My mother was a single parent who never married and raised three children without child support (until I was 9, I’m the baby) and food stamps. She held down a good job until a freak accident almost killed her and she had to get on disability for many years. My mom is the example of an independent woman who had (and still does) too much pride to ask for help. She has a good career as a secretary and is thinking of going back to school. I see a lot of her in me: independent, likes working and I don’t have my own children just yet. I’m a newlywed, and my husband has said that he would like for me to be a SAHM if we can afford that situation. But, I’m not sure if I would do it. I love being a journalist and getting paid for it. And, these damn student loans aren’t gonna pay for themselves. But, I believe I can balance a career and family. And, I’m not opposed to working from home as a freelancer and publish several best-selling books. I can be taken care of while making my own money, so I’ll travel that road for now.
I have had the super awesome opportunity to be both. In my first marriage I was a SAHM and with my current (and forever ) husband I work. I miss the SAHM life on occasion and will readily admit planning activities for our four children cooking cleaning attending sporting events dinner parties etc etc is just as strenuous if not more than juggling both at times. there is nothing wrong with wanting to be taken care of or provided for. This new age woman you speak of drives me nuts! Even if it is in your nature to want to work your husbands wages should be able to float the family comfortably and the wages a wife earns should be for incidentals and random bullshit. This way you still feel “kept” I miss the SAHM life but my girls are older now and I would just go nuts. I was recently was not working and almost lost my mind and went on a repurposing frenzy! But the beauty was I was not worried that the hubbs could maintain us. That was part of our vows. I was taught that in a marriage the man provides Period. And the wife trusts him to do so. Period. So all that to say may the fuckin force be with you! The way your home and marriage works best is the way to go. And for the broads who can’t fathom it ? Sorry fa ya It’s a nice life to live Great post Cara!
I loved my time at home while pregnant with our little one and until she was 18 months. I returned to work part-time 6 months ago. I don’t think I’ll ever work full-time again because now I have the best of both worlds. My husband still takes care of me and I take care of our fun…and the nanny. It’s a win/win for us. Every one of us and every situation is different.
I was raised by a SAHM. My mother has probably worked 5 years of my entire life (mostly when things got really tight so that we didn’t end up on the street). I am career oriented. Kind of by default though. The life of a SAHM is just not for me lol. I found myself going crazy during my maternity leave and by the end of it I was ready to return to work. I have the benefit of staying home in the summers with my child as well. I don’t think lesser of women that stay at home, BUT in my experience they think lesser of me. The SAHMs that I have met in my teaching career consider themselves to be better wives/mothers than their career oriented counterparts. I disagree. I think its totally possible to balance those roles if its important enough to you. I also think many SAHMs also tend to become “helicopter parents” but I will leave that discussion for another day. The idea of being “taken care of”? I could totally go for that! I would LOVE if my job just paid for vacations or special gifts instead of being the bacon that I bring home and fry in the proverbial pan. Now all I have to do is find a willing husband…know anyone?
Hmm. Great topic, Cara. I think I’m torn on this. I’m a SAHM and love my life as a SAHM. I love that my husband makes enough to support our lifestyle and that I don’t have to work. But, I also think for me, it’s also nice to earn a little bit of my own money, too. I don’t make enough through my writing to live off of, but the little that I do make, I value it because it’s really all mine. This may sound strange and my husband doesn’t get it since we both recognize that the money he earns is OUR money, but, for me, this feels right.
I am definitely career oriented and I don’t desire children. I applaud those who stay at home, who feel comfortable being taken care of, but I don’t have the capacity to trust another human being with taking care of me. Blame it on being hurt/lied to/cheated before, but my biggest fear is being the woman who once was “taken care of” then left for some other woman (like scorned Bernadine in Waiting to Exhale) and possibly going from LIVING WELL to BROKE AS HELL in a moment’s notice.
I’ve witnessed it happen and I vowed to never be THAT woman. That woman whose kids are in highwaters, glasses with tape on them- because they weren’t prepared for when Mr. Take Care of You turned into Mr. I’m f-ing the intern/babysitter.
I could not have expressed my exact sentiments more eloquently and unabashedly than you have with this post Dove! I’ve said since a young age that I just want someone to take care of me when I grow up; my eldest brother, who remebers me saying this, chuckles at the memory! I knew what I wanted and I’m living that out. Other women in my black family wish for me to be more…a whole lot more than what I’ve chosen to be: a wife, mother, and home maker! Being raised to be an independent woman has left me with huge mental hurdles to jump namely lack of vulnerability and submissiveness. Honestly it’s hard to connect with women who have this mentality; need a friend in austin , tx hit me up. X) married 7 years housewife for 5 mother of four two boys two girls just like my mama!:-)
[...] the opinions. She wrote about this topic on her blog, and I suggest you read her article (“Kept Woman?: Why I LOVE Being Taken Care Of“). I’m really happy that she will be on the show because this falls with my recent posting [...]