I’m Abrasive. And Black.
My name is Cara and I’m abrasive. And black. You won’t read clever tales in this post about how I have trouble sharing a work hallway repeatedly with other people. I might see someone in a hallway and purposely walk all over that bitch, just to see what they will do, and how they will manage to get around me though.
I am a really abrasive person. The only time I am non-confrontational is ironically when I am driving. I don’t like being stifled or holding back, or being anything but what and how I want to be. The other day, on my twitter timeline, one of my favorite twitter personalities balked about a woman who was making her anxious with her advances to hang out and be friends. The person tweeting described themselves as typically socially introverted, preferred to observe rather than participate unless the situation dictated itself to be comfortable for them, and most importantly, they detailed in depth how much they DID NOT want anything to do with this other person. The person the tweeter described though…was totally me. I have a tough time believing anything is wrong with me and I DEFINITELY think I am ultra fun, and will make you hang out with me to prove it. I don’t give a shit if I step on toes, typically don’t take into account making people feel uncomfortable…and get this…I haven’t even cared enough or known I was this bad enough to change.
Everyone has been focusing on being awkward and black lately, but what about us good old fashioned abrasive black women? I am in your face. I curse, and like to argue, and scream “QUICK TUH BACK DOWN!” loudly at folks who talk trash but can’t back it up. But being abrasive doesn’t even always correlate with violence or anger. My humor can be offensive, but I still make the jokes. My questions can be too personal, but I don’t stop asking them. I even WARN people…”hey I am nosy, and a little intrusive…but have you had 7 abortions or…was that just a rumor?” I didn’t realize that my abrasiveness could cause others to be uncomfortable, mostly because I have surrounded myself with either other equally abrasive people or people who just deal with the fact that I am so IN YOUR FACE.
Interestingly, the only time I seem to get quiet, introverted or anxious is when I am forced to do something I don’t want to do. I haven’t been able to blog very much lately. Recently, I was involved in a situation in which someone blatantly verbally attacked me, said and assumed things about me that weren’t true, as well as even made threats to me…to someone else. Because I escalate things to epic proportions, I was asked to take a backseat, and sit on both my anger, and need to resolve conflict by confrontation. Then, right after that situation, I got totally overwhelmed by our crazy packed summer schedule, and several events 4th Roomie and I have to attend, even though we are planning a big event of our own. I have been actively attempting to keep some things private and to myself, so rather than vent and assault the people throwing the events, once again, I had to sit on my need to openly discuss it all. I sat around for days unable to be creative, and really felt stressed. Finally, I realized, I am upset because I have to be quiet about both situations. I can’t speak my true feelings, or tell the parties involved exactly how I feel. It seems like the quickest way to get me to clam up and be quiet, is for you to take away my ability to express myself.
The crazy thing about this is, it scares me that I am raising children. Until I read that firsthand account about how abrasive people tend to make other people uncomfortable without cessation, I didn’t care if my children turned out just like me, because I really didn’t think anything was wrong with me. What I don’t want is for them to alienate others with their ability to be brash. It’s also rough because as a black woman, people kind of already associate you with that attitudinal, abrasive, in your face woman. It slightly disturbs me that I am going around reinforcing that stereotype. It’s cool though ya’ll; I am turning over a new leaf. You believe in me don’t you? DON’T YOU?! *looks at you menacingly until you answer in my favor*Tags: Abrasive, Black, Woman