He’s Been Around
I married a man who has been around. This is a rough subject for me. I have been thinking about writing about it for a long time, but yesterday there was a discussion pertaining to the topic on twitter that hit a nerve with me. The first time I met 4th Roomy, I knew he was charming. He talked me into giving him my number, and visiting him over 4 hours away from me less than 6 weeks later. Even when dating him, if you could call what we did dating, I found myself separate from him and wondering why I even cared about this guy. He didn’t make any money. He was literally a struggling college student. I had my own car, a nice apartment, and a great job. I was in the best shape of my life, and I was wasting my time on this skinny, light skinned college boy. It didn’t even make common sense. Later I realized that if he could do that to ME, what was stopping him from doing that to other women. Well…absolutely nothing. My husband has slept with a lot of women. A LOT OF WOMEN. Between two universities, one of them an HBCU, two degrees from said universities, a fraternity, a male a capella group, and being a semi-eligible well spoken Black man living in the 12 women: 1 man DC Metro area, not to mention he’s attractive…you can only imagine how many ladies have squashed his banana, if you will.
We just went to a big game at FedEx field where my beloved Redskins play because my husband’s undergraduate team played another team there. He went to a giant school, with a huge presence in this area, and as big as it was, it seems their black student community was small and tight knit, as most black student communities are at PWCU’s. It was inevitable that we’d run into some of his past at this game. And we did. And I have to admit, it got awkward for me. At one point, triangularly surrounded by 3 different conquests from his past, I found my solace in doting on my children while waiting for someone to finally kick a fucking football. Not because I am sitting around thinking…goodness he still has feelings for these women, but mostly because no one likes to interact with people their husband or wife has been with sexually. Or at least, I don’t know anyone who does. Well…not anyone black lol. White people, you can feel free to chime in on this one, but I really think sex is quite a bit more touchy in the Black community than it is in the white one.
For the most part, I kept it cool. I actually had the opportunity to enjoy a large group of people who didn’t have any history with my husband by accident at a super fun tailgate, and watched the game in the swanky Governor’s Box. I had a really bad event last Holiday season where I was faced with a former #Frienefit of 4th Roomy’s and I really ruined my own night because of it. I can say I have grown exponentially since then, because I still managed to have an amazing time at this game with my family, but it’s a process. Mostly I think because we are newlyweds, and we had such an unconventional courtship leading into our marriage, and that makes my history with him cross over with so many of these other women we tend to see, things get a bit difficult for me. I always tell him how 5-10 years from now, I won’t even blink an eye at an old college conquest, or an old DC hop…but right now it’s like DO NOT WANT. However, because he HAS so many of them, it’s literally impossible to go out amongst large groups of people he knows and not cross paths with at least one.
I always wonder how other women deal with this problem. I have ONE married girlfriend who relates to me very well and she is like my absolute confidant. It’s very easy for me to vent, and share my feelings and tell her about situations because she has a husband with a similar past. My other married friends married lames. No offense married friends. A lot of you have said this to me though. A lot of my female friends who are married avoided the whole “man with a past” thing by completely marrying squares. My girlfriends are married to loners, shy studious types, nerds who inherited the earth, men who barely talked to women before them…those kinds of guys. And if they didn’t marry a totally lame guy, they married outside of their race. And like I discussed above, other races treat fluid sharing a bit differently than black people do.
On twitter yesterday, a good number of people were discussing spousal insecurity, and how if your mate made you give up friends to be with them, they were not very good people to choose to be with. It made me angry because, first and foremost, the majority of the people commenting were single as the day is long. Secondly, it made me understand just how much outsider’s value friendships, which can be the most toxic thing to relationships if you let them. Finally, it showcased a lack of ability to place your relationship above everything else in your life. When my husband and I decided to be back together, one of my requirements was to kill any “friendships” he had with people he had slept with. To me, friendships are supposed to be based on commonalities outside of perennial fluids. In addition, they should always be rooted in good intentions. Your friends should be pulling for the success of your relationship organically, and not because they know how much you deserve a good woman/man because they themselves couldn’t be that for you. I also have a spouse who AGREES with me. 4th Roomy constantly tells me temptation is a seed, and that if you allow a seed to be sown, it will grow. It’s hard enough living in THIS world as a married person WITHOUT having to hang around a person you’ve seen, felt or smelled naked in intimate environments and settings. Why would you want to place yourself in situations with people you have a history with to sow a seed of temptation? Even if you don’t feel it now, you have before, and very well could again. And unlike basic attraction, “friends” you have been with sexually have the advantage of FOLLOW THROUGH. You’ve already taken it there. It’s not just an attraction you ignored or didn’t act on. The seed is sown. Why cultivate it?
All that said, I think I am well within my rights as a spouse to have tapered 4th Roomy’s buddy list to not include those particular types of people. I can’t control where he’s been, but I certainly have the ability to work with him to guide where WE both go next. In closing, I have to say that having a husband who got around isn’t totally a bad thing, one major upside to his prior exploits is clear…experience tends to be the best teacher *BIG WINK*Tags: charming, husband, I get around, my husband has slept with a lot of women, sex, slept, women