Until you do right by me…

Today, I got something I asked for which prompted me to write this post. I have been struggling lately with my ego. Arrogance and ego are terrible things, especially for a person who suffers from anxiety like me. My ego often and easily triggers my anxiety. So, in turn, as a means to change a pattern of behavior, I have started to pray for humility. I am convinced that if I could be more humble, I would also be less anxious. I think God knows the only way to teach me lessons is hard and fast, though. So, whenever I get humbled, it also hurts. Usually pretty badly. Today was no exception. But this post isn’t about the hurt, or the humility. This post is about my destructive behavior in the aftermath.

I don’t like to be hurt. No one does, but while lots of people have healthy ways to cope with pain…crying, venting, etc…I plot revenge. I don’t argue to win an argument. I typically argue to make the person I am arguing with feel as much shame, hurt or pain as I feel. 4^th Roomie has referred to me as the kid who takes his ball and goes home after a tough loss…but that is an insult to me. I do not take my ball and go home. I take my ball, go to the nearest payphone, call the police, tell them my opponents sexually assaulted me, and watch with delight as they get arrested. I don’t take my ball and go home, I take my ball, go to the nearest hardware store, get supplies, build a pipe bomb and completely level the court. I will be damned if you ever play basketball there again.

Recently, I have had a good example and a bad example of this post hurt rage I display. My best friend hurt my feelings publicly about 3 weeks ago. It honestly was silly, and I likely shouldn’t have been offended by what she did. But I was. And instead of telling her immediately, I went through my mental Rolodex of things I could shoot back with, that would publicly hurt and shame her like I felt hurt and shamed. While doing this in my mind, I started to cry. (Probably because this is TOTALLY DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOR) 4^th Roommie was there and I explained to him what happened and he gave me the “bitch, you gotta relax” face and some good advice. And fortunately, I took his advice. And I took it a step further, and instead of shooting back, I just told her my feelings were hurt. And I even told her it was probably silly that they were hurt, but it made me feel better to express myself than to wage a war and lose her as an important person in my life. So simple, right? Well…sort of.

My next example is of the same kind of a situation with my sister…less public hurt…but way deeper cuts. When the cuts are deeper, it’s definitely harder for me to refrain from totally flying into revenge mode. So even though she didn’t hurt my publicly, she offended me more deeply. And so we argued. Actually, we didn’t even argue. We threw bombs. We pretty much destroyed each other verbally.  If we weren’t related, I’d likely say we’d never speak again. But, I know people don’t generally have that luxury with family which is why families are usually so fucked up so I mean, we’ve kind of spoken since.  But, instead of taking a moment to explain to her why she hurt me, and maybe what we could do to remedy that in the future, I just hurt her back. Or tried my very hardest to hurt her back. And actually, what’s kind of scary is that I don’t even think I tried my hardest. I could have done worse. I shared some of the things we said to each other with 4^th Roommie, and he was floored. He doesn’t understand how I can talk to people the way I do sometimes, but to see the same type of things being thrown back at me, I think surprised him as well. Instead of seeing me as a bully, he just saw a willing participant in an all out war.

The point is I don’t seek to rectify situations. I seek to make the person in the situation with me feel as awful as I do. I don’t care if my warfare also embarrasses me or destroys me in the process. I have engaged in so many vengeful scenarios that have also brought up some of my ills. I don’t play this game to spare myself. I figure if my feelings have already been hurt, the shoe already hit the ground running and there isn’t any stopping now. And that’s not ok. I often destroy relationships and lose people in my life because of this, and as a younger Cara, I didn’t care. As I grow, I find this habit of mine tends to upset relationships that I might actually not want ruined.  I think in addition to my prayers for humility, I need to pray for the absence of vengeance.

Today though, when my feelings were hurt, instead of seek out revenge, I came home and wrote this post. Maybe I am getting better, or at the very least, picking my battles. I think today, I actually did just take my ball and go home. Do you engage in any destructive behaviors? Are you vengeful? Have you overcome any bad behaviors? How?

EJ opening up a present on his first Christmas alive

My kids believe in Santa Claus. I hope they will until they are at least 8, but the way the world strips children of innocence, I will be lucky if I make it through kindergarten with that belief still intact. Recently, two of my favorite twitter follows (@LoveIsMayhem & @MiaWoods2005) were discussing how much they were railroaded by parents for NOT subscribing to the Santa Chronicle. I don’t intend for this post to railroad them more, but I do intend to explain why I think having Santa is important.

4^th Roommate never had Santa. His family was heavily into Jesus and never introduced Santa as even an option. This is fine, of course, but as a result, I think the logical explanation (logical is used loosely here…as we denounce a guy flying in a sleigh to deliver presents, but big up a Magic Zombie Savior who rose from the dead and lives in the sky) of the holiday made for very serious children. 4^th Roommy is a city kid. He’s street smart, and witty and he has a ton of fun…but sometimes I wonder if he has ever had an ounce of imagination. Or he can ever look past what REASON suggests is right, and live and act solely on a feeling. He’s not that kind of a person. Anyhow, being the way he is, when it came down to spending our first Christmas together as a family last year, at his parent’s house no less, Santa was brought up. While 4^th Roommy was noticeably hesitant to do typical Santa things, I MADE SURE that we left milk and cookies out for Santa. I was careful to leave empty stocking before the twins went to sleep and fill them for when they woke up. They couldn’t read yet, so I didn’t label any of their gifts from Santa, but trust me, I would have. All during my hustle to create Santa magic, he seemed to kind of mock the idea of all the little things I was doing, but went along with them anyway.

I am glad he did because I want my children to believe in magic. I want them to understand nature and science and the beauty in all that is real and tangible, but I want them to never stop thinking about the ‘what if’…even beyond Santa, I want them to always consider the possibility that in someone’s reality people can fly. And maybe there is an old man who watches all the little children in the world and delivers gifts to them for being kind hearted, innocent and wonderful. I want them to eventually watch Harry Potter and wonder if in some alternate reality, some far away galaxy Diagon Alley isn’t just a clever play on words…it’s a real place. And they have wands. And honestly, I want them to use this ability to hope and dream and believe in the intangible to fuel their thirst for OTHER intangibles like religion and faith.

Clearly I Suck at Christmas Pics

I want my children to know Jesus was born…but it was likely in the summer. So in the winter, we celebrate that day by being generous and kind and also get to have a little of Santa’s magic lighting up our lives. I want them to believe in magic so hard that even those city kids like their dad who might mock them for believing…still can’t steal their joy.  I want them to sometimes visit the Midwest and see snowy white winters, make snowmen and go to sleep JUST KNOWING that their Snowman is going to come to life in the night. That’s what being a kid is about to me. Childhood is holding onto the small things that adults have long lost the ability to hold onto. It’s about being able to believe in magic.

Do your children believe in Santa? Why or why not? If you are childless, do you plan on introducing Santa to your children…or do you hate fun & innocence and magic, you Nazi –I mean or do you just plan to celebrate Christmas without it?

It was all good just 5 hrs ago.

So…I just got home from picking the twins up from school. I am in sheer, anxious terror right now, so try to bear with me and the tone of this post. Today was like any other day I would get them from school, except I got another mom’s number for a play date…oh, and on the way home my children attempted to kill their own innocence. I loaded the twins into the car in front of their school, waited for them to strap themselves into their boosters and waited to hear about their days. Eric got a time out for crying. Ella played with the little girl whose mom’s information I got. Then EJ asked me if I was having another baby, because I looked like I wanted another baby, because I was fat. The fat thing didn’t bother me too much. I am having a really skinny day, and in addition to that, a lot of the moms at the school we attend are really overweight. I assume, honestly, that another child at school told Eric that he said that to his own mother, and Eric found it funny and repeated it. I calmly told him that while one day, I would like to have another little brother or sister for him and Ella; right now I was not having another baby. I also told him that it was not nice to call people fat. Next, he proceeded to ask me was there a baby store that we could go to when I was ready to get a baby. No…I said calmly. Babies don’t come from stores; they come from Mommy’s tummies. He didn’t particularly care for that, so he told me that was a bad idea, and that there should be baby stores. I chuckled and thought that would be the end of it.

But…if that was the end of it, I wouldn’t feel icky inside like I need 7 Xanax’s and a strong drink, now would I? Nope. I wouldn’t  After I had convinced him that babies did not come from stores, the twins both hit me with a barrage of questions about where babies were from. Where do babies come from when they need to get out of Mommy’s tummies? How do you put a baby in a Mommy’s tummy? Did you know what kind of a baby you would have? Somehow we even got on the subject of me as a child. The twins were saying something about how if I used to be a little girl, where were they? How come we weren’t triplets? When I was a little girl, did I know I would have two babies?

I was trapped, like a rat in a Nissan. My palms got sweaty. So many questions. I tried to answer them honestly and as best as I possibly could to two inquisitive four year olds. I tried to frame some of the information around my best friend, whose pregnancy the twins were there for. They saw her go from not pregnant, to pregnant, to not pregnant again but added a baby. I tried to use those examples, and explain things as best I could, but they kept pounding me with questions. I was like Coolio and Michelle Pfeiffer in the Gangsta’s Paradise video. Alone. At a table. With a bright light shining in my face, and two bad cop 4 year old’s ripping into me with pressing questions about not just conception, but time and space and how I could possibly have existed outside of them.

So………I did what any reasonable human being would do in that situation. I lied. I lied like a fucking rug. I told the twins that before babies are in a Mommy’s tummy, they are stars in the sky. And that when a Mommy and a Daddy decide they want a baby, the star falls out of the sky, into the mommy’s tummy and becomes a beautiful baby. And sometimes very lucky mommy’s like me get more than one fallen star in their tummy’s. And then, satisfied with my lie, I was like POW! Yea, kids, what now? EXCEPT FOR THESE LITTLE MOTHERFUC– PEOPLE WEREN’T SATISFIED AT ALL. Mommy, were we white stars or golden stars like the stickers we get at school? Mommy, stars don’t fall out of the sky, is this story true? What do you name the stars in your tummy? How did you know our names when you were a little girl, before our stars were in your tummy? How come we have never seen stars fall out of the sky into anyone’s tummy?

HELP ME TOM CRUISE! So I called 4^th Roommie…because men know what to do in these situations, right? Wrong. He tells me I shouldn’t have lied and that when he gets home he will really explain where babies come from to our kids, but he is on another call currently, and he needs some time. Wait…what? You’re going to explain where babies come from and how they are made to our four year old’s? I asked him did he plan on introducing S-E-X (because we were on the car speaker) to them? I didn’t think that was a good plan, but he was all…actually yes, I am going to introduce that to them. No. I got even more sweaty. Then I got home, made the kids lunch and started typing this. I am not ok with my kids learning about sex at 4. In no way does that make me feel ok. I literally feel sick to my stomach. I might puke. Usually this is where I open up the floor to ask other people what they would do…but I have some seriously liberal friends and readers. I don’t give a shit what you hippies would do. I don’t want my kids knowing how to make babies yet. I don’t care to be honest. I want to spin a delightful web of lies that makes them feel like wizards and princesses in their heads and makes them start jumping up and down and sharing candy and stuff.  I don’t care to hear how you openly and calmly explained the birds and the bees to little Timmy a year before he even asked, because you’re so real.

So, just comment with things like e-hugs and motivational phrases like “you go girl!”

Thanks in advance.

Look how much fun I am having!

I married a man who has been around. This is a rough subject for me. I have been thinking about writing about it for a long time, but yesterday there was a discussion pertaining to the topic on twitter that hit a nerve with me. The first time I met 4^th Roomy, I knew he was charming. He talked me into giving him my number, and visiting him over 4 hours away from me less than 6 weeks later. Even when dating him, if you could call what we did dating, I found myself separate from him and wondering why I even cared about this guy. He didn’t make any money. He was literally a struggling college student. I had my own car, a nice apartment, and a great job. I was in the best shape of my life, and I was wasting my time on this skinny, light skinned college boy. It didn’t even make common sense. Later I realized that if he could do that to ME, what was stopping him from doing that to other women. Well…absolutely nothing. My husband has slept with a lot of women. A LOT OF WOMEN. Between two universities, one of them an HBCU, two degrees from said universities,  a fraternity, a male a capella group, and being a semi-eligible well spoken Black man living in the 12 women: 1 man DC Metro area, not to mention he’s attractive…you can only imagine how many ladies have squashed his banana, if you will.

We just went to a big game at FedEx field where my beloved Redskins play because my husband’s undergraduate team played another team there. He went to a giant school, with a huge presence in this area, and as big as it was, it seems their black student community was small and tight knit, as most black student communities are at PWCU’s. It was inevitable that we’d run into some of his past at this game. And we did. And I have to admit, it got awkward for me. At one point, triangularly surrounded by 3 different conquests from his past, I found my solace in doting on my children while waiting for someone to finally kick a fucking football. Not because I am sitting around thinking…goodness he still has feelings for these women, but mostly because no one likes to interact with people their husband or wife has been with sexually. Or at least, I don’t know anyone who does. Well…not anyone black lol. White people, you can feel free to chime in on this one, but I really think sex is quite a bit more touchy in the Black community than it is in the white one.

For the most part, I kept it cool. I actually had the opportunity to enjoy a large group of people who didn’t have any history with my husband by accident at a super fun tailgate, and watched the game in the swanky Governor’s Box. I had a really bad event last Holiday season where I was faced with a former #Frienefit of 4^th Roomy’s and I really ruined my own night because of it. I can say I have grown exponentially since then, because I still managed to have an amazing time at this game with my family, but it’s a process. Mostly I think because we are newlyweds, and we had such an unconventional courtship leading into our marriage, and that makes my history with him cross over with so many of these other women we tend to see, things get a bit difficult for me. I always tell him how 5-10 years from now, I won’t even blink an eye at an old college conquest, or an old DC hop…but right now it’s like DO NOT WANT. However, because he HAS so many of them, it’s literally impossible to go out amongst large groups of people he knows and not cross paths with at least one.

I enjoyed this, instead of being stank.

I always wonder how other women deal with this problem. I have ONE married girlfriend who relates to me very well and she is like my absolute confidant. It’s very easy for me to vent, and share my feelings and tell her about situations because she has a husband with a similar past. My other married friends married lames. No offense married friends. A lot of you have said this to me though. A lot of my female friends who are married avoided the whole “man with a past” thing by completely marrying squares. My girlfriends are married to loners, shy studious types, nerds who inherited the earth, men who barely talked to women before them…those kinds of guys. And if they didn’t marry a totally lame guy, they married outside of their race. And like I discussed above, other races treat fluid sharing a bit differently than black people do.

On twitter yesterday, a good number of people were discussing spousal insecurity, and how if your mate made you give up friends to be with them, they were not very good people to choose to be with. It made me angry because, first and foremost, the majority of the people commenting were single as the day is long. Secondly, it made me understand just how much outsider’s value friendships, which can be the most toxic thing to relationships if you let them. Finally, it showcased a lack of ability to place your relationship above everything else in your life. When my husband and I decided to be back together, one of my requirements was to kill any “friendships” he had with people he had slept with. To me, friendships are supposed to be based on commonalities outside of perennial fluids. In addition, they should always be rooted in good intentions. Your friends should be pulling for the success of your relationship organically, and not because they know how much you deserve a good woman/man because they themselves couldn’t be that for you. I also have a spouse who AGREES with me. 4^th Roomy constantly tells me temptation is a seed, and that if you allow a seed to be sown, it will grow. It’s hard enough living in THIS world as a married person WITHOUT having to hang around a person you’ve seen, felt or smelled naked in intimate environments and settings. Why would you want to place yourself in situations with people you have a history with to sow a seed of temptation? Even if you don’t feel it now, you have before, and very well could again. And unlike basic attraction, “friends” you have been with sexually have the advantage of FOLLOW THROUGH. You’ve already taken it there. It’s not just an attraction you ignored or didn’t act on. The seed is sown. Why cultivate it?

All that said, I think I am well within my rights as a spouse to have tapered 4^th Roomy’s buddy list to not include those particular types of people. I can’t control where he’s been, but I certainly have the ability to work with him to guide where WE both go next. In closing, I have to say that having a husband who got around isn’t totally a bad thing, one major upside to his prior exploits is clear…experience tends to be the best teacher *BIG WINK*

Ultameatum

You know how people always suggest it’s never a good idea to give other people ultimatums? I disagree. I live life in black and white. There are very few gray areas for me, because I believe that when you have discoloration, it gives way to doubt, insecurity, and fear. I certainly believe in change, but I have a hard time with extremely gradual change because it allows people to linger in that gray area I hate so much for too long. People become too comfortable with being fence riders. I even like my seasons to change abruptly.  This lack of gray makes me content to argue about Christianity with people all the time, because while I don’t feel like I am the greatest Christian in the world, I think I certainly know exactly what it takes to BE one and just don’t choose to do so all the time. I dislike fence riding, bible rewriting Christians, who softly interpret the bible into some book where God is more like the Buddy Christ from Dogma than a really mighty, sometimes deadly, vengeful, awesome Deity. Anyhow, I am venturing into an area that this post isn’t supposed to be going. I say all that to say, I like black or white. Not a swirl of stormy gray. Ultimatums are the perfect solution for people like me. I am a firm believer in all or nothing. And I have spent most of my life, until recently, living with ultimatums.

I don’t regret much in my life. I have a very, very small list of things that I can truly say that I wish had never happened to me, or I wish I had never done. Out of this small list of maybe 3 things, one haunts me daily.  I didn’t give someone important to me an ultimatum, and I should have. It’s the single most regrettable thing I’ve ever done in my life. If ever there were a time for a fine line, I should have drawn one. Every day, instead of feel wholly good about what kind of relationship I have with this person, or taking one day at a time to deal with what I lost with them, I deal with a jumble of emotions, mostly centered around hatred for this gray area that I am stuck with. I feel confusion, sadness, grief, anxiety, and insecurity. All the things that I dislike feeling. All the shades of gray. (No #50Shades, more like A Million…) It’s like a tug of war with my heart, when I could have been blissful in my either/or world right now, had I just done what I normally do. Instead I am stuck with Gray Soup with a side of Dismal Regret.

I feel like it’s perfectly ok to give people ultimatums because you avoid these feelings. You just have to be prepared for the outcome. Unlike giving people a bevy of choices an ultimatum usually allows for one thing or another. It doesn’t give you very much flexibility in the offer, but the response is just as rigid. Instead of having to be disappointed and dealing with some of the things you didn’t want and a few of the ones you did, with an ultimatum you are either going to get what you want or not. I would much rather have an either/or…I can begin to move on if I don’t get exactly what I want. Or, I can be happy with what I got. Simple, right?

How do you feel about ultimatums? Have you learned not to give them or been given one that bothered you? When you feel like you would like to give an ultimatum, what do you do? Avoid them, or go for the gusto and just prepare yourself for good or bad?

Building at the Maryland Science Center

I haven’t updated my blog about my children lately. I am not super sure why. I think I have been so wrapped up in raising them that I forgot to write about them.  Well. The twins are great. 4^th Roomie and I just purchased this awesome LivingSocial deal for a pass to the Maryland Science Center for a year. Recently my mom and I took the twins there, and its like a Children’s museum mixed with a science museum mixed with a museum of Natural History. I am from Cleveland, where we have a ton of museums for very separate things, so having one big room fulla bad bitches full of children’s attractions will be awesome for us on those rainy weekends, or lazy days. Currently, while we wait forever and ever and ever on the Anne Arundel School District to tell us whether or not the twins are able to go to Pre-K, I am teaching them some great things like sight words and using this kindergarten lesson plan that my AWESOME friend Jenny sent me.

I am really worried about my son if the twins don’t get accepted into Pre-K because I get so frustrated trying to teach him. I was just reading some of Monique’s tweets about her children’s school system and some issue’s they’ve been having and she lamented about not being exactly qualified to be a homeschooling mom. I totally agreed with her, and its also maddening because IN MY HEART I am a homeschooling mom. I just don’t have the credentials, education, or patience for it with BOTH of my children. My daughter is a dream to work with. I am convinced she’d be reading Judy Blume by now, if it weren’t for those meddling kids. And by meddling kids, I mean her twin brother. EJ would rather play, watch TV, fiddle with his tiny penis, or even take a dreaded nap than learn. He even says he’s not smart. That’s the worst part. My son is very smart. He is quite a clever young guy, if I may say so myself. He just lacks the initiative to practice at something to get good at it, while my meticulous daughter, who seeks approval for a living, wants to practice until she’s literally perfect. Imagine being only ONE mom with those personalities during the day though. What can be done?

Speaking of meticulous Ella…Ella’s speech impediment is progressing….nicely? I don’t know how well we’re doing quite yet. Her speech therapist gave us a DVD and a folder full of resources, but without formal in school education, its also hard to figure out if she’s getting better or not. It was a big relief to finally SEE a speech therapist, though. She quelled a lot of my fears regarding being a SAHM all these years and told me that both my children were so smart, and quite advanced for their ages. Its also tough to imagine because I have friends with LITERALLY genius kids. That’s not a joke. A lot of my friends have these brilliant savant children. I am saying Ella should be reading Judy Blume but I have a friend who has a daughter who could likely read Melville. My wedding photographer’s son knows Japanese, and then one of my other girlfriends has a son who is a champion BMX rider in the states of Maryland & Virginia. OK, I know BMX biking isn’t school related, but still, its tough to have confidence in your own children when they are surrounded by such amazing specimens.

I have to continuously remind myself though, parenting and childhood is not a race. And its great to meet professionals who tell you how awesome your little ones are to kind of remind you that even though its not a race, if it were, your kids wouldn’t be losers. Anyhow, that’s what’s up with the twins. How are your kids doing?

Me. And a white chair.

Men in Black:12

Our hands at the altar. I loved this one.

Pretty Pink. Baby Blue.

Genesis is heading to the LA area with her entire family so soon! Please check out her site, and her work. She does head shots, family and children’s photos, engagement shoots, weddings and other special occassions! She’s so awesome, I would definitely use her again and if you’re in the greater Los Angeles area, looking for a photographer, Genesis is someone who will really listen to all of your needs, check her out!

Adorable newborn twins.

I would like a new baby. I think about having a baby every single day. This isn’t just the wedding being over. This started way before the wedding even happened. Have you ever felt like you were literally CREATED to do something? That’s how I feel about having a baby. I wake up and I long to be pregnant. To feel a little life inside of me would be the ultimate cherry on top of my happy life.  I love my children fiercely, but even when I was pregnant with the twins, 4^th Roomie and I talked about how my favorite age was between 0-2 yrs. As the twins get older, and become kids, they are clearly more their father’s children. You can see his excitement as he teaches them new things, or explains nerd stuff like space or the ocean to them. Yes, by the way, knowing more than your typical “one is up, one is down” about outer space and the ocean is nerdy.  While they grow closer to their dad, I sit and observe, and of course I delight in their growth, but I feel sad. I want another tiny bundle to hug and snuggle and caress and give butterfly kisses to. Right now.

We can’t afford a new baby. We literally have enough money to pay our bills, save a bit, do a little bit of leisure activity/shopping, and not die of starvation. It’s not a bad life, especially considering the economy, but it leaves no room for a baby. And before I even ADD a baby, I really need to focus on adding a house. We have to buy a home in the next 2 years. There is really no other option.  That puts me at 30, and puts a baby even more deeply rooted in my imagination. Pregnancy after 30, no matter how much it is “the new normal” is not something I want for myself. I wish there was some way to get pregnant now and have a baby, and cryogenically freeze it for like 3 years. That way, I have all my short/long term goals out of the way for my 20’s, and then a newborn when it’s all done minus the toll it takes on my body. I planned on spending my 30’s focusing on the twins going to school, having obnoxiously amazing sex with my husband, and me looking better than a lot of other bitches in their 30’s that I know.  And then following it up with an even more amazing looking 40’s full of travel and children in college. A baby any time after 30 totally trashes those plans.  I need a baby now, so that its self sufficient while the twins are STILL home and can always sit for it, and then the baby itself will be self sufficient enough to take basic care of itself when the twins leave for college. Does that make sense? Anyhow, you can see how the logic and the emotion in my brain are at serious odds.

Adorable Newborn Ella

This weekend, the twins, 4^th roomie and I went to visit my Aunt’s house in Pennsylvania because her oldest daughter, my cousin, just had a baby. My cousin is a planner. She planned her pregnancy to the T. She saved one paycheck a month for almost a year so that she had saved enough money to be able to stay home for another whole year with her new baby. She has a good network of friends who have just had babies as well. Even though I know she chose a very responsible way to create and care for her new bundle, all I see is the adorable end result. I saw her new baby’s tiny feet, and hands. His soft tufts of wispy baby curly hair. I smelled his whole baby existence. I felt his little jerks and kicks and wiggles and heard his tiny gurgles and coos. And I was jealous. So jealous.

Adorable Newborn EJ

My aunt was telling me a story about how in her late 30’s she finally stopped feeling that “longing for a new baby” thing. She explained that one day she just saw a baby and thought “Oh, that’s so nice” instead of “OMFG I WANT ONE NOW!”. I wish I could have that content feeling right now. I wish I could not feel like my uterus is screaming at me daily. A non-stop “Use me! Use me! Use me!” chant that I cannot silence. I wish that taking my birth control pill every morning wasn’t like jail for me. I also wish I could just cast aside this yearning though. I wish I could be happy with the two babies I was blessed with, remember them, and not want any more. I wish I wasn’t in the middle of this emotion and logic tug of war and that I could enjoy my life as is, and not obsess over whether or not to add to my family. Has anyone else ever experienced this rock & hard place?  If not, just come have a seat in my comments section and rub my hair as I cry.

Maybe if I had this much hair.

To relax or not to relax, that is the question. I have been growing my hair out for over a year now, in anticipation of my wedding. I didn’t grow out my relaxer to make a stand or statement. I grew it out because my hair without a relaxer grows faster than it does with a relaxer. I have to see a hair dresser every two to three weeks with a relaxer in order to sustain the growth I do with natural hair and I don’t really know anyone with the time or the funds to do that. Actually, that’s not true, I know plenty of people with the time and money, I am just not one of them. Anyhow, I haven’t had a relaxer in over a year. Around Easter, I allowed a nice, young Dominican woman to relieve me of all my relaxed ends. I didn’t “big chop” necessarily, because I had about ear/top of neck length hair that has given me more than the standard TWA, but I did cut off all my relaxed hair.

If I had to guess, my hair probably grazes the nape of my neck in back. Maybe hits my cheek in front. I have achieved a lot of growth in a short amount of time. But now, I have to decide whether or not to keep this up, or just throw some creamy crack in the mix. The funny thing is, the growth process wasn’t ever about having my hair long enough to wear alone on my wedding day. I want BEYONCE WEAVE. I don’t think you ready for this jelly weave. Ring the weave alarm. I just wanted long enough hair in the front to blend without looking crazy, or making me have to have bangs. I have enjoyed the freedom of natural hair…somewhat. But it’s a BUTT LOAD of work. I don’t know how I can manage. Someone recently suggested that I do a twist out and a giant flower in my hair for the ceremony, and then submit my pics to a natural hair blog to be featured. Apparently, women with natural hair love to see it paired with a wedding dress. I can’t imagine wearing it out because September in Cleveland can still be very hot and humid. I want stress free hair, whether its straight or curly. I can’t imagine trying to maintain perfect twist out shaped curls with the possibility of uncooperative weather.

Anyhow, suggest to me wedding day hair styles, both relaxed and natural. What do you think? What will you have on your big day?

Yea…about that…

So, I never wanted a wedding with a ton of flowers. The good news is, I am still not having one. That didn’t change over the vast stages of planning this wedding has undergone. But, I also admittedly didn’t know a thing about flowers, or bouquets, or their cost. I never cared, really. To be perfectly honest, charging me anything other than a dollar for any given flower is too much for me. I mean, its dead when you give it to me. Its no longer going to grow, or anything. It might make me sneeze. Why is this worth more than a buck? Of course, like any bride though, I started looking into bouquets once I started really digging into planning. I found the one pictured above on Pinterest. I love that bouquet. The orchids are so gorgeous, its so full and beautiful. I can’t see how anyone wouldn’t love it…….in theory. I went to a flower shop for the first time in my natural black life about two weeks ago to pick out my wedding flowers. I had sent that picture to my mom, and she had kind of warned me that while it was a gorgeous bouquet, I might find that things aren’t always exactly as they seem. Boy wasn’t she right.

First…orchids are fucking expensive. WAY MORE THAN A DAMN DOLLAR EACH, let me tell you. Secondly, the kind of bouquet that is pictured above would have cost me a little over $300. Third…bouquets, especially the kind I want, are HEAVY AS HELL. They have a damn pouch full of water hidden in them, and then they give you this heavy floral explosion in the front, and this tiny ass stick to balance it all on in back. I felt like I was going to teeter over when I held samples. So, I settled on something smaller. I am going to post a picture of KIND OF what my bouquet will look like. It still cost me over $100, which was like highway robbery for a bunch of dead flowers, in my personal opinion, but its still pretty. And kind of still a floral explosion. Even though its heavy, its (sort of) bearable and I still think its pretty…

Try not to focus on my #McKaylaface

Close up.

Whatchall think?

Oh. And today, after meaning to add it for a long long time, I finally put up a blog roll. Check it out. If you know I read you, and I forgot you, or you want to be added shoot me a message!