Did I Fucking Stutter?…A Christianity Rant
So, Jehonica inspired me to jump into religion. I wrote Case of the Fake People and she said she was surprised I didn’t touch on all the overtly Christian folks on these here internets. I have been holding out on a religious post though. Hopefully, somewhere, God is being a fence around my mind as I type this.
I am involved in the BIGGEST CRISIS OF FAITH EVER. Right now, I am so angry at God. I have such a vehement disdain for Him. I always joke about how Jesus is cool with me, but I really just can’t even deal with all three forms of God right now. I don’t even know where my bible is. Probably Carlisle. Whatever. I don’t understand a God, a parent, who would leave his children for centuries, expect them to live to the word of an overly translated, often skewed book, and then damn the ones to hell who didn’t do it EXACTLY as He wanted. Where is the grading curve there? You mean to tell me this F…is really an F? C’mon, God.
I feel like, I wake up, I take care of my family, and I am nice to them. I care about my friends, and I try not to talk about my enemies. I don’t steal from, rape or murder anyone. I sometimes go to Target. Why isn’t this enough for God, or Heaven? Why isn’t living a good life enough? Why isn’t it enough for God to just be a good person? I feel like it has to be enough to live, in the world as a good human being and then go to heaven. But then, there are all these people who are like…noooooo, that’s not gonna cut it. Excuse me? Why not? Do I really want to spend eternity with a douche-bag who that isn’t good enough for?
And then, why are Christians SO DAMN ANNOYING? Did they not read the part in the bible where it says only God can judge people? Or that people ignorant to Christ, but with good hearts will be considered in Heaven? I don’t know any Christians who are TRULY involved in Church & journeying towards Christ who aren’t overtly bothersome, judgmental, overbearing or hypocritical. NOT ONE SINGLE CHRISTIAN. And I don’t mean human. Everyone who is human and beautifully so…you’re good with me. I am talking bible thumping, get right or go to hell, beat you with the word of God, Christians.
*cue up Mandy Moore tossing a bible at your head screaming I AM FILLED WITH CHRIST’S LOVE”*
I was recently discussing Jesus Jumpers (my name for the zealous Christians) with 4th Roomie yesterday. I *suppose* the message is being interpreted by me, who is clearly Jesus Jaded, so I wondered if I was the only one who felt that Christians could be…bothersome, but he agreed. And he’s totally down with G-O-D (yea, you know Me).It just seems like once someone decides to immerse themselves in their faith, they leave behind secular music, mainstream entertainment, and Lazy Sundays and pick up an elitists attitude, complete amnesia of their recent past, and the Judgers Manual to Complete Judgmental Asshole Behavior. And I don’t know about YOU, but if this is who is going to be in Heaven with me? I gotta be honest with you, I might prefer one of the circles of hell.
My church is also a sore subject. I don’t have anything good to say about Southeast Seventh Day Adventist Church. Yep. I put your government name out there. I really was in love with my church, for a long time in my life, and really had grown up with and trusted a lot of the people that went there. People who REALLY shaped my life as a kid. Then, we got this awesome Pastor, who I also trusted, and love, and the people who I had watched, who embodied Seventh Day Adventism to me, really acted a PLUM FUCKING FOOL because they didn’t like the Pastor. I mean UGLY. THE PURE DEVIL came out in some folks I didn’t think had it in them. Our church was divided down the middle and people who like the Pastor were on one side and people who didn’t were on another. And there really was an all out war. Finally, my Pastor stepped down. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back for me and my “organized religion”. Setting foot in the building now makes my head hurt. Smiling at these phony folks…having them ask me about my life…I’d just rather not.
I recently saw this Jesus meme on Facebook, and had to use it in a post. I know I am conservative Cara, who doesn’t enjoy things like gay marriage or abortion, but I try to be ok with people living their lives how they choose. I oppose gay marriage not because I oppose gay people, but because I believe the institution should be between a man and a woman. A person who is homosexual is a sinner, just like me. I know a lot of homosexual people who are kinder, more caring, more generous and more forgiving than I will ever be. I also know A LOT of Muslim, Jewish, and Hindu people who are the same way. I just can’t sit around and believe those individuals are damned to hell based on sexual preference or religious choice.
I didn’t anticipate this post really having a cohesive ending. I don’t have any definitive answers, or feelings. Mostly just raw emotions and questions. I suppose we can chalk it up to another Cara rant.
Wow!! Well, That was a mouthful to say thee least! I have to say even I as a Christian have asked (some) of those very questions though… I think in every religion you have your “over zealous” individuals who are ready to damn each and every person not living by their standards or what (they interpret) the good book to say. I have established a relationship with God, and I dont allow anybody else to get in the way of that or change my thinking or the progression of my growth because of what they feel I should be doing or not doing.
I think thats the best advice I keep getting. Establish a relationship on your own, without outside influence, but its hard to do even THAT for me right now, because all I see is people saying your personal walk isn’t good enough. I tend to get caught up in the negative though, and not be able to see all the positives, admittedly. I definitely will continue trying and I appreciate the people like you willing to understand that being unsure happens to all of us. Also, thanks for reading Sara! Come back soon!
As a christian actively running way too slow on the treadmill of Christian Living set permanently on 300 mph (At least that is how it feels). I have taken to only beating my own head with the bible that I only understand fully on Tuesdays and Fridays (bible study days) HA! My tag line has become to all the awesome Jewish, Muslim, Hindu, Gay, Bi, and so forth people…. I’m not sure you have it right, I’m taught that my beliefs are, But where ever “there” is….. I hope we all make it (by all meaning only the people I have decided are awesome) wait that’s judgmental of me huh? Sliding backwards still…. I give. Enjoyed your post ***sigh
Thanks for reading Lola. I appreciate the comments. And I agree lol, I would love a heaven full of all of the people I think are awesome!
I really favor a very personal, individual sort of faith. I think there’s a huge difference between proselytizing and sharing your faith. I really get annoyed with people who proselytize … Jesus jumpers as your described. I have no problem with people who are adamant about sharing their faith. When you’ve worked on your relationship with God so much, and you feel so close and connected that you can’t help but talk about it, I understand that and don’t mind it. It’s like fathers who can’t stop talking about their new born daughters or moms who can’t stop talking about their sons.
So yeah, in short, I like when people tell me about what God has meant to them, don’t like when people tell me about what God is supposed to mean to me.
In terms of church, I’ve always favored non-denom joints. With denominational churches, there always seemed to be a greater attachment to the church than the actual individual relationships the parishioners have with god, and that, to me, always eventually proved counterproductive – often in the was you described. With non-denom churches, the family atmosphere is quite there and the fellowship isn’t as “deep” but everyone kinda minds there own business and works out their own salvation with fear and trembling as the good book says we should.
Great post… not sure how I’m just discovering your blog… but … I like.
Thanks for reading, and I enjoy the feedback. No worries about just discovering the blog, it literally launched a week and a day ago. Please come back in the future! Also, the interesting thing about my relationship with Christ is that I am aware that there is a void. I almost miss having more faith. I just feel jaded and cynical. I am currently looking for both the courage and the will to find a new church and I think a non-denominational church is the move for me. From what I am hearing a lot of people share your feelings on the dynamics in a non-denominational church family, and I can appreciate that. Thanks again for commenting!
“I am filled with Christ’s love!” has got to be one of my favorite movie quotes. I like to say it randomly, at appropriate and inappropriate times. And while I’ve never been someone of faith (haven’t ever “walked with the Lord”), I have always been interested in reading about others struggles in their own journey. Keep fighting the good fight! You’ll find what you’re looking for.
Eh, if you’re against gay marriage, you ARE against gay people – you really should just admit that. It’s like saying you’re up for women working, but they shouldn’t make as much money as their male colleagues. I can see you’re trying to acknowledge gay people, but you’re falling short of seeing them as full fledged people, which is a shameful thing.
At the end of the day, it’s none of your business how people go about their lives. You not liking something shouldn’t be grounds for other people who obviously don’t agree with you to be denied. You’re obviously a smart and caring woman, so I do hope you outgrow your misguided ignorance and accept that 2 dudes who wanna get hitched is not a big deal. If I wanna see people abusing the hell out of the sanctity of marriage, I’d pick up a tabloid or go to Vegas and watch some strippers get married for the 5th time to a drunk Japanese businessman.
Just saw this. The biggest thing that I’d like to point out is that I am ok with women working, but I also think it makes sense for them to make less money. I certainly think that its ok to point out that while the quality of your work may be as good as a mans, we don’t have the liability of maternity leave (which has the ability to be a year long endeavor) with a man.
I am sorry that you think I am expressing “misguided ignorance” but that doesn’t sound very tolerant to me. I have an opinion, one that I do not consider misguided or ignorant. I have provided justification for it, and I have even given valid points/reasons as to why I feel the way I do. Once again, I don’t discriminate against same sex couples, be yourself. Love who you’d like. Just find your own way to define your unions. Mine is clearly defined, in my bible as being between a man and a woman. You certainly could give great examples of people abusing marriage. You could give excellent examples of people abusing their working legs to a handicapped person, doesn’t make their legs work though.
SO, a year later, I come across this post.
Since I have the experience of growing up in Ohio deep in the church, and being disillusioned by the members acting the devil, and leaving the church because of that (as well as purely logical problems with Christian doctrine- the whole ’1=3′ is a problem for me), I feel you.
Funny too because I started reading your post and thought, hmm, at about that point I tried Islam (at college in DC); doesn’t seem to be an option for you.
Just wanted to ask, where are you on this now?
I think it’s important to recognize that you are not really believers in what your religion teaches. You can see that Muslims and Jewish people and agnostics can all be good people, and that a loving and caring God would not commit these people to eternal suffering, simply for being born into a family that taught them a different faith. The same is true for homosexuals, who are simply pursuing their natural biological urges and the relationships that will make them truly fulfilled. I suspect you know this is true despite your faith making it hard to accept. Many broken marriages have resulted from people trying to conform to what they thought they were supposed to be, a person has to be true to themselves. People flee countries where anti-gay laws and bigotry spell possible death for openly gay individuals. This is not a “choice” and it is not taken lightly. It is often very difficult for these people to come to terms with who they are, especially if they grew up in an environment where this was demonized, this can be very detrimental to a persons self image. I don’t want to challenge anyone’s beliefs beyond asking you to consider that even mildly deprecating comments contribute to this very literal effect on people’s health and well being. If you think marriage is between a man and a woman, than you are at liberty to practice it in just such a way. You’re beliefs however are grounded in faith and not evidence and therefore do not justify the attack on another person’s rights such as been seen by religious groups rallying against gay marriage. I repeat, this has very real consequences on the health and well being of good, HUMAN BEINGS. Please take a minute to read this attached article which demonstrates very well what I am referring to.http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2096922/9-student-suicides-Michele-Bacmanns-Minnesota-linked-anti-gay-bullying.html . I implore you to please think about this before you publicly express your religious homophobia in the future, or before you impart it to your children, who may one day have the negative connotation thrust upon themselves as they come into adulthood and the realization of their own sexuality.