And its not even my birthday…yet.
Tomorrow I will be 28, and I am terrified. Normally, birthdays don’t bother me. But this year is a big deal because for some reason, child Cara had 28 as like the pinnacle year for all her accomplishments to have been achieved. When Kid Cara played M*A*S*H in church instead of paying attention, the age category had like 3 choices for 28 always. I didn’t give myself any other option than to be pretty much Michelle Obama by 28. Tomorrow, I stare my expectations for myself in the face, and have to tell Kid Cara we failed.
I was explaining my fear of 28 to my girlfriend Monday, during a playdate, and she assured me I was definitely “a good 28”. I had a husb—I mean 4th roommate, a son AND a daughter, and…oh wait, that’s it. I know being a wif—I mean partner to a 4th roommate and a mother of twins is awesome before 30. Most black women definitely have to wait for that kind of happiness, but am I missing out on more?
Kid Cara wanted to go to law school and be the female Jerry Maguire, own a condominium and power suits and shop every single day. My, how times have changed, huh? Career wise, I was once on the fast track to be in the adult dream job I had always wanted, but was derailed by a pregnancy and couldn’t continue to travel with my “dream job” having two infants. I tried going back to school for a bit, but found that I still hate it as much as I did in middle school, high school and undergrad. I don’t know if I can muster up the strength to put myself through that again.
I mean, I don’t hate being home at all. I love being home with the twins, but the reality is, they are only going to be 4 for so long. If they don’t get into pre-school over the summer, I have one more year with them at home, and then they are definitely off to kindergarten. Then, I will be 29, and what? Hang out at home all day until they come back? I hope not. Not that I am eager to be away all day and night, I obviously stay home because when I did work, I missed out on everything. Family events, the twins milestones, etc. all passed me by as I dedicated my life to my livelihood…but what’s NEXT? You know?
I am afraid to get older tomorrow. Mostly because I have taken the last two years of my life and dedicated them in total to motherhood and creating this ideal life for myself, and I feel like, this is perfect…but what comes next? I gotta fulfill my M*A*S*H destiny right? Right? RIGHT???
Maybe I am totally crazy… What age did you set for yourself to have reached all of your childhood “goals”? Did you make it? Are you at least half way there? Are you scared to miss the deadline?
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